[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
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me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
SF is the wild wild west man
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
awkward
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.