**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
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When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.