No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
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Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]