lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
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Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not