Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
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Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.