[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
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Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
bought wrong eggs
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
You got this…
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything