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Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.