Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
You Might Also Like
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”