All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
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Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
The Birdles
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.