Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
You Might Also Like
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!