Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
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Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Perfect
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Pickled cat.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.