Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
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Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
new record!
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.