I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
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Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.