That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
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RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.