[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
You Might Also Like
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Feels like the fourth month in January
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Well, that didn’t work.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
when mom throws a party…
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea