*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
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What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
The point of your 20s
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
he’s doing your taxes
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
is this a warning or an offer?
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE