Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
You Might Also Like
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!