Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
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Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever