My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
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I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.