My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
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When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
We avoided this particular disaster
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
So inspired right now.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!