How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
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My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.