People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
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Doggies just call it style.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Happens to everyone.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*