Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
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My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?