My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
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me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”