I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
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My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.