Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
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Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*