partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
You Might Also Like
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
You’ll be OK
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
lost dog
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?