Remember to think of others this holiday season!
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A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere