*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
You Might Also Like
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Bartenders are just boneless bars
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
That’s easy for you to say
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.