Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
You Might Also Like
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.