*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
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I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬