Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
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I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
I pray every night that I never become religious…
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up