“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
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I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”