A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
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At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
How wrong was this guy?
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.