[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
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Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
They grow up so quick
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted