Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
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HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same