I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
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BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!