10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
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Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
water it, i dare you
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA