*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
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My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
*pronounces woah like Noah*
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.