When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
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HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.