saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
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Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
spot the difference
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.