Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
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Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back