Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
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maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.