the three branches of government
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We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Knock Knock
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?