Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
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I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs