*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
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a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.