A little too much information.
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ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
my name if I was in the mob
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.