My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
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You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Stick it to the man
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
and now we wait
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school