Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
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Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?