My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
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[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
This is a sub tweet
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better